In our case, hiding the pain of the miscarriage was unavoidable.When I passed the baby, I was in the guest bathroom on the toilet. Matt and I, of course, did not realize how painful it would be or the grief that would rack us both. I was screaming, crying as I have never EVER cried before, seeing my precious baby, dead. In that moment I wasn't thinking about the fact that Matt had our two boys in the house, trying to read to them over the sobs. As my sobs slowed down, I could hear Matt, with both boys in Levi's bed, praying for mommy.
That didn't help the sobs. But honestly, when I finally came out of the bathroom, a changed person forever, Matt and I didn't even flinch when we both answered Levi when he asked WHY. "Jesus has taken our baby to heaven Levi, to love him and take care of him there."
I'm not going to lie, I pray regularly that Levi will not remember this. Remember hearing me cry, remember the days and weeks afterwards, when I was a mess. Barely here. But at the same time, every time Levi asks me "Mommy? Where did your baby go?" "Levi, you know, you tell me where he went." "Mommy, your baby is in heaven with Jesus, will He give us a new baby, I want another baby." "Levi, we are praying for a new baby, we must learn to wait on Jesus' timing."
We have this conversation several times a week, and then always pray that we will wait for Jesus' timing, knowing He is working for our good. And every time I tear up. With sorrow that he asks the question, but with thankfulness that his little heart is seeing now that we don't understand WHY things happen, but we rest on Jesus' provision.
As I read these parenting books about "grace based parenting" over and over they say your children learn more from what you DO rather than what you SAY. So I hope that years from now, when Levi (& Noah) is inevitably faced with similar pain and loss, I pray now that we are laying a solid foundation for both our boys.
Since the miscarriage I've gone into each boys' room at night to cover them back up and pray over them. These sweet, angelic sleeping faces. Pray for them, for the heartache and sorrow they will face. That God will call them to Himself at a young, early age and that they will not stray from Him. That God will equip us to love and lead these boys well, the unbelievable blessings that they are.
Today Grace and I took the kids on a walk and as they were running in front of us Elinor called out to Levi to hold her hand. He completely ignored her and just ran right past. Rejection. Little and insignificant, as Elinor didn't even flinch and kept running, but still. And this little bit just a foreshadow of what is to come as each child gets older. But seeing that little incident today is what inspired this post, and then later that conversation.
I think more than anything, God, through this suffering, has opened my eyes to the sin, hurt, and pain in the world. Because until that Wednesday it happened, things like this happened to people I know. Bad things DO happen, but not really to us. And now I see, as Matt has reminded me over and over "God gives and takes away." There is pain and suffering and as followers of Christ, we know we are to suffer as He as suffered. God has also put on my heart a huge passion, longing, maybe is the right word for our boys. To protect them as much as I can. To pursue their hearts, to love them better, to teach them more. Through all of this, I have been reminding myself that BOTH statements are true "God is God" AND "God is good."
There really is no point to this post, but just to get this out of my head and onto "paper." I went and saw a movie with a friend from high school tonight, Saving Mr. Banks. And as I watched I thought about all of this.
I do want to write about the miscarriage. What happened, physically, emotionally and spiritually then and now. As we have found, there really is little information on it. But just not yet.