I've gone back and forth about whether I should write about today. My would-have-been due date. There are three women who I know who were all due within a week of me. One had her baby a few days ago, another is being induced tomorrow, and the third I have purposefully stopped asking about.
What made me post was this, an article about Kourtney Kardashian being pregnant with her third child. Stupid, right? See, this is what I've found over the last 33 weeks of "healing." It's a 95/5 split. Granted, it used be more like 5/95, but by the grace of God alone, the ratio has slowly shifted. Ninety-five percent of the time I am really ok. At peace with where we are. Lost baby, and still not pregnant, with all kinds of weird health issues popping up. But that five percent, it's a dark five percent. Where the loss, and continued longing, the comparison to other women who ARE pregnant, or have new babies, overwhelms and suffocates.
See, again, I know how dumb this sounds, Ol' KK and I have been pregnant at the same time the past two kids. She had her boy, I had Levi, I had Noah, she had her second. And now she's moving on without me, having her third. So what? Who cares? I don't, 95% of the time.
This day has been looming. Sometime in December I texted a friend saying, pregnant or not, the next 40 weeks will be long. And they have been. It's a very strange thing, mourning the loss of a baby, but hoping for another one as soon as possible. But at the same time, not wanting to get pregnant, because what if I lose another one? A lot of back and forth between healing and waiting. The past week I have been preparing myself for today, evaluating how I feel.
Mainly, I feel a weight has been lifted. No longer waiting for "the day." I am learning to be thankful. Thankful for the loss, for the clay pot being broken, and rebuilt, slowly but surely. I will never understand the WHY, but I can see the new growth.
This little saying on Pinterest grabbed my attention as I mindlessly scrolled through tons of beautiful improvements I will never do to our home, schedule, and meals.
Suffering is universal. That is one thing I am learning. I want so badly what SHE has. To have the baby they have. The quiet burden I carry with me, that weighs me down, does not make me exclusive, it makes me human. And it has opened my eyes wide to the aching around me.
Everyone has these burdens. We all carry them, too often all alone. How heavy they must be.
So I am praying that this on-going burden, this ache, will continue to open my eyes. To see the rude, ugly, smelly people around me as people just like me who are just struggling to carry their burdens.
I have started working full-time, for a season. One of those girls I mentioned earlier, we actually share a due date,today, and work together. She is being induced tomorrow, to have her little girl. I am working her full time schedule while she is on maternity leave.
It is hard, being away from the boys 45 hours a week (40 hours plus driving),and Matt. With him working nights and my 10-11 hour shifts being anytime between the hours of 8am and 9pm, Matt and I can go a couple of days without seeing each other. I do not want this time away to be in vain. Yes, the money will be nice, but that is not what I'm talking about. I am increasing my face to face time with people, honestly, usually the lowest of the low (working at a big chain pharmacy in a poor section of a poor town) by 20 hours a week. That is a LOT of time to really love people well. To speak highly of children to their parents, to offer as many smiles and kind words as I can. To love well the people that I will be working with. To let them into my life and see my faults and mistakes and the grace of God that covers all of them.
So I am taking what I've been learning the last 33 weeks, and putting it into practice.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. FOR JUST AS THE SUFFERINGS OF CHRIST FLOW OVER INTO OUR LIVES, SO ALSO THROUGH CHRIST OUR COMFORT OVERFLOWS." 2 Corinthians 1:4-5
This was "my verse" when Matt and I lived apart for two years while I was finishing pharmacy school, and then Grace sent this to me soon after the miscarriage, and I have been saying it every day since. This loss will not be in vain, this grace poured out on me will not just be for my good.
So this is where I am. There is still the dark times, mourning times, the 5%. I had a good long cry last night, and teared up today on the way to work, but the 95% is a beautiful, peace-filled place. Knowing and resting in the fact that God has the crazy stuff going on with my body, and our family size and growth-rate (and how we grow: babies, adoption, fostering) in His hands.